This afternoon I got a text from my husband to dress up, put make-up on do my hair, get in the car and meet him at a gas station 30 minutes away. When i asked why he wouldn’t tell me he just said for some fun. So I did it. My daughter had come up to spend some time with me on her school break and was bugging him to tell her what he had planned but he wouldn’t tell her either.
I met him at the gas station and he had me leave my car and get in his and we proceeded to drive about another hour. He had bought me a red rose and told me tonight we are going on a date and I want you to just have fun, forget about everything else and enjoy yourself tonight. We kinda got lost so the plan for dinner was out but we ended up at a Center for the Arts building. It wasn’t until we were walking to buy our tickets that he finally told me were were going to see Rain A Tribute to the Beatles. I’m not an avid Beatles fan but I was so excited that he went to these lengths to do something different and take me out on a work day not his day off. And he surprised me!!! I ended up loving the show. The guys playing the Beatles characters were amazing. I was a toddler when they became famous and was 11 when they split up. I was raised on country music so the Beatles really meant nothing to me but I was so amazed that I knew all but one song. I had a great time and he made me feel really good tonight.
We did talk a little bit on the way about the affair and his addiction but it was him who brought it up. A couple of days ago he finished his coarse in Setting The Captives Free and had to write a one page testimony. Last night I asked him if I could read it and he left it for me this morning. Someday I am hoping he will write it all out and I can share it on my blog.
One of the things he mentioned was how his addiction to porn had escalated in our first 13 years of marriage. I asked him if he ever spent money on the internet to which he said no. His biggest torment was because he had started Pastoring and he wanted to be free of it. He felt in 1999 that God had healed him and he says to this day he never looked at porn again. Unfortunately even though he confessed to a few people he never dealt with his issues or I believe had true accountability. I don’t think my husband at that time would have allowed anyone to keep him accountable due to the fact he was so controlling. Because I was never allowed to talk about it, I could be wrong about the control part but the fact is that he was still pushing the envelope with women online and in our church, never setting boundaries and then Tina came along and I think she became live porn not the porn he turned away from and he caved to his addiction. I told him tonight he couldn’t even act like a real sex addict in the sense of cheating on me with porn and other women but his behavior matches that of a sex addict without the sex. I also told him I was grateful that Tina was the only one he crossed the line with. I don’t know how the BS of serial sex addicts make it through this but I sure applaud those who do!!
On a side note I had an interesting thing happen today. I have a friend who is Tina’s mentor in Celebrate Recovery. She was my friend first and proved herself trustworthy. We never discuss anything that she and Tina discuss although I am allowed to talk about her in the past sense because she is the reason I am going through this. I know nothing is “normal” about this whole thing. Anyway she called me today because she has gotten three texts from a number she doesn’t recognize. My friend is a former sex addict herself and has an amazing testimony. She thought that it could be someone in her past. All the texts have been are smiley faces. Every time she asks who it is they don’t respond. Well she knows I have spokeo.com and asked me to look up the number for her. You will never believe who sent the texts: Are you ready for this? It was Don, Tina’s husband. I bought fell off the couch. I have to confessed I kinda smirked too. I have repented since then tho. I don’t know why he would do that unless he knows her past and was either hitting on her or determining if she was a safe person for his wife to hang around. WEIRD!
As for the other issue I ‘ve been dealing with with Lee, I have decide FOR NOW to shelf it. I am going to work on me. I am going to look in the mirror every day and tell myself, “I love you I love you I love you Imperfections and all… You are perfect and Lovable just the way you are. I receive love with ease!” Thank you Leise! I have added a few things to this:
I have added to this: I am fearfully and wonderfully made because God’s works are wonderful. (Psalm 139) This is not easy and I cry every time I do it because I have allowed people in my life to frame my thoughts around lies I believed about myself. I need to find where those lies were told and replace them with truth. I know how to do this but have been afraid to go there. I have mental blocks and memory losses that have kept me stuck.
I am also back on the treadmill, working in our huge yard and taking walks. I find that when I do these things my mood swings in an upward direction. And I have been researching things that I am passionate about and how I can use that passion for good. I’ve been a codependent always wanting to fix everyone else but now I am going to work on fixing me. And finally most importantly I’m getting back into my worship and the Word because to find me I have to know who I am in Christ.
I will also continue to try to understand my husband’s addiction and am hoping this new book we are diving into “Falling Forward” by Craig Lockwook will help us fall forward together and not take steps backward. One day at a time!!